I know how to spend a million dollars.

October 13, 2006 at 12:19 am (Bloom Status: Upward)

Sometimes I do this really fun thing, and I’m going to do it here in front of you now. What I do is give myself a nice big fake amount of money, and then go on the internet and pick how I’d spend it. The first time I did it I gave myself ten thousand dollars, which ended up not being enough for the fun I had begun concocting so I spotted myself an extra fake ten thousand dollars. The next time I gave myself thirty thousand dollars, and then forty thousand dollars. This time I shall give myself fifty thousand dollars. And next time I’ll maybe bust out of this ten-thousand-dollar-increment thing and give myself a huge ton of money.

dream money

I don’t know why I’m working with Antarctica dollars here. But I am.

I’d like to note that the charitable urge hasn’t kicked in yet, with these fake dollars. Mostly I’ve been doing things like flying first class to London for the weekend to see Madonna in concert, staying at the Bellagio in Las Vegas, buying lots of pairs of $300 shoes here, ten pairs of the same corduroy pants in different colors there. Taking classes. Getting massages. And I think this is unlikely to change for this go-round. I don’t want to be all, I’m giving all of this to orphanages, naturally just because I’m doing this in public this time. I think once I get into big enough sums of money, I’ll run out of selfish things to spend it on, and then the orphanages and the environment can start seeing a little love from me. But right now, I have a feeling that the main recipient of all this fake money love is going to be moi, moiself if I may get all Miss Piggy on you.

(One of my favorite books when I was ten or eleven was Miss Piggy’s Guide to Life. So I just googled it. And you can apparently buy it used on Amazon for ONE PENNY. Splurge, dudes. Spring for it. She has much to teach us, like how to make a beautifying face mask out of chocolate pudding.)

All right. Enough mucking around! This fake money is burning a hole in the fake pocket of my fake pants!

Wait. Slightly more mucking around. I forgot to say why I do this, other than the fun of it. I’m trying to show the universe that I have specific plans for all the money I know it’s going to give me one fine day. I feel like specificity is a boon in asking the powers that be to grant you your wishes. If you say to the universe, GIVE ME SOMETHING AWESOME! without getting more specific, the universe might be like, COOL! Here is a lifetime pass to see SIXTY FOUR FUNNY CARS drag racing at this AWESOME TUKWILA ARENA*. The universe and you might have different taste. Kids aren’t ever like, Oh, Santa, just bring me some toys you think I’d like.

*That actually sounds better than I thought it would, so substitute something crappier and less accidentally good.

All right, now I mean it. Now I’m serious. Now I’m ready.

Fifty thousand faux-smackers, kiss my fancy imaginary purse goodbye!


I always start at Anthropologie. I can knock out many of these funds quickly there. Don’t worry, you won’t have to read about fifty thousand dollars spent a few hundred at a time. There will be some big ticket items.

That said, I give you:

Figgy Pudding boots, $388.00. Look at ’em, fer chrissakes. Frivolity incarnate.


Dearborn boots, $498.00. A boot theme emerges.


Brushwood boots, $528.00. Let me eat boots!



Goody two-shoes boots, $448.00. I will cease and desist with this pair and move on. For now. For you. But I’ll be back, boots.


I’ve spent $1862.00 on boots. Excellent. On to something large and juicy, now. Travel, I think. Yes. Let’s see….Japan, here I come!



Dave and Finn and I will go on a fancy, eight-day Tokyo/Kyoto tour. We’ll stay at the Park Hyatt Tokyo, the hotel from Lost in Translation. A description from the tour company:

Park Hyatt Tokyo
This hotel is located atop one of Tokyo’s tallest skyscrapers. On a clear day, the hotel provides a rare view of Mt. Fuji from Tokyo. Guest rooms are some of the largest in Tokyo, with slick modernist decor, spacious bathrooms, and added luxuries such as an English-Japanese dictionary, a collection of cds and works of literature, and tasteful Japanese crafts specially-commissioned for the hotel that are available for purchase. The Park Hyatt is home to two of Tokyo’s most popular restaurants: the New York Grill & Bar and Kozue. The luxurious fitness club and spa is in a glass atrium with spectacular views of the city. This is truly one of the world’s most elegant urban retreats.

park hyatt


And then in Kyoto, we’ll stay here:

Westin Miyako
With a lush green garden and inviting teahouse, the soothing Westin Miyako Kyoto may well change your expectations for urban accommodation. The hotel has recently been revamped, and guests will find serenely beautiful rooms that celebrate simplicity without sacrificing luxury or style. After a day exploring Kyoto’s elegant temples and gardens, the pristine Westin Miyako Kyoto offers a perfect refuge for thoughtful reflection on your recent adventures in Japan. Guests will also enjoy the many restaurants and lounges on site, each with a distinct atmosphere. After a restorative cocktail in the Moonlight Lounge, step outside to admire the sweeping views of the city below and let any accumulated travel fatigue gently melt away in the quiet calm.


The cost per person for this tour is $6700.00. So, three of us, $20,100.00. Plus my boots brings me to $21,962.00 so far, leaving me $28, 038.00. You gotta figure some mad money to spend in Japan. So, let’s say a thousand bucks a day. Now I’ve got $20,038.00. I’ll spend that $38 at the airport on magazines for me and Dave and coloring stuff for Finn. A nice twenty thousand even remains.

I hear that hypoallergenic cats are pricey. Let’s get a hypoallergenic kitten. Sounds good.



That’ll run me $3,950.00. Kittens are cute! Look at him. Let’s call him Mr. No-Itchy. Hello, Mr. No-Itchy.

I got $16, 050.00 left. Hmmm. Let’s get Mr. No-Itchy two fancy houses from the loco Neiman Marcus Christmas catalogue. These ones are $5000 and $7000 apiece. Kick that little white screwball dog out of there and make way for my spoiled, hypoallergenic kitten.


Now I have $4050.00 left. Mmmm…some clothes to go to Japan in. Mayhaps this Marc Jacobs turtleneck and wrap skirt:


$1650.00, leaving me $2400.00. Something less schoolmarmy now.

polka dot

A little Dolce and Gabbana polka-dot number. A little out of my price range, with the outfit running $3000.00 total. But look what I just found in my imaginary purse? Six hundred extra dollars.


Tell me some outlandish things that you would spend your fake cabbage on!

Bloom status: Well, you know, upward, because of fun and because of specificity and because I say so.

miss piggy


  1. Kris said,

    Woohoo! I’m onboard for all of this, except! Dude, stay in a ryokan (traditional Japanese inn) in Kyoto. Perhaps the Hotel Nishiyama (http://www.ryokan-kyoto.com/facility/index.html).

    “Welcome to the Hotel Nishiyama. Please enjoy Japanese emotion fully.”

    Figure about the same cost per person

  2. Eve said,

    Baby- I like your (imaginary) style!!!

    This is an excellent game. But on my first attempt at Internet Fantasy Window Shopping, I got all distracted, and ended up reading about a 3 headed goat. And I don’t want to buy that. I’ll have to try again.

  3. Lia said,

    Okay. I have to do this. I am really really really going to have to do this. I’m a little scared, I have to say. But, I’m doing it. I think I’ll only be able to show you the results…

  4. Sean said,

    I googled to find a way on “How to spend a hundred thousand bucks” because I JUST WON A BRAND NEW BEEMER!

    – Guess what, I HAVE NO DRIVING LICENSE, so i’ll be selling the car.. *sniff*

    But thanks for the refreshing ideas!

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